The Suffering and Sovereignty of God

For class, we have to write a series of responses to the book The Suffering and Sovereignty of God ed. John Piper and Justin Taylor. I'm handing these papers in and I find it rather pointless to voice a heartfelt response to a prof for a grade and never to be read again. At least if I post it in here, I may go back and read it every once in a while. I recommend not reading if you want to get bored :)


Question: What do suppose Paul means in Phil when he talks about a longing to participate in the sufferings of Christ? What would that look like in your life?

To ask God for, let alone long for participation in suffering is entirely counter cultural. Yet, the apostle Paul confidently states, “that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings” (Phil 4:10, ESV, emphasis added). Paul continues to emphasize the appeal in suffering by saying in 1 Peter 4:13 “but rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings…” (emphasis added). While most people agree that suffering is unwelcome, they would also agree that suffering is inescapable. But the common goal is to relieve suffering and increase pleasure, so why would Paul actually want to share – long to share, in suffering and why would he tell his audience to rejoice in suffering?

While I have not personally endured substantial suffering, even with the small bouts of suffering that I have already experienced, the first response that I bring to God is a whiny little “whyyyyy?” Like my initial reaction of “why me”, it is the normal human propensity to ask “why me God?” David Powlison, in his article “God’s Grace and Your Sufferings”, gives three reasons as to why God “designs” our suffering: “to reveal his abiding generosity, to remove all that is ungenerous in you, to make you abidingly generous” (162-3). Powlison uses the term ‘design’. God designs our suffering. In God’s design, as Powlison claims, we are made “abidingly generous”. We come to be abidingly generous because of God’s grace that he has embedded into our design through suffering. This abiding generosity, stemmed from God’s generosity (or grace) to us, is not an obligatory generosity. It becomes, as Paul writes in Phil 3:10, a longing.

When a sufferer goes through suffering, the initial response is to ask “why me?” But as the sufferer walks the lone, agonizing road, God enters into his suffering. When the sufferer stops to be still and listen, it becomes clear that God is with him. God already entered into our suffering (Phil 1:6-8) by way of his son, Jesus, and revealed that he is the Immanuel – he is “God with us” (Matt 1:23). Moreover, through Jesus’s suffering, he became the source of eternal salvation, “Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered. And being made perfect, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who obey him” (Heb 5:8-9). As Powlison rightly asserts, by the suffering example of Jesus who cried out to God, the natural bent towards the curvitas in se turns inside out, and rather than turning in to oneself, the sufferer can cry out to God, Immanuel, who is with us in our pain (155).

While God does not give us a full answer in our suffering (i.e. see Job), through suffering, we are made aware of our mere humanity and the sheer glory and grace of God. We realize we are weak and utterly sinful, yet God, in his compassion, came down to us and generously gave us grace. If we did not suffer, would we even recognize our need of saving grace? And if we did not recognize our need of grace, would we recognize the abidingly generous mercy and lovingkindness of God? Yet through his revelation (that is, through suffering), we can we can bless our Lord and Savior and understand his generosity.

When Paul writes to the Philippians about his desire to share in suffering, he has already suffered greatly. He wrote this letter while he was imprisoned around A.D. 60, which is almost 5 years after he wrote about his endurance through “far greater labors, far more imprisonments, with countless beatings, and often near death . . . in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure” (2 Cor 11:23-7). Yet, he is not talking about “when this suffering gets over…”, rather his longing to suffer is in the here and now, “that [he] may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death” (3:10).

Paul understood something that I find very difficult to grasp. He calls the life apart from suffering “a loss” compared to the “surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord”. There is something very significant found in suffering. Through our suffering, we find our dependence on God. Through our suffering, we are able to know Christ, and that is what Paul describes as a “surpassing worth”. He has already suffered immeasurably, yet he longs for more. Is it the actual suffering he longs for? I venture to say not. But the reward, or the gain, found in suffering is so much greater – and that is what the human heart longs for – to know God. I can assuredly say that I too, long to know God and I long for a greater capacity of being able to know him each and every day. But I can also assuredly say that I am constantly at war with my flesh. I don’t like to suffer. Yet, through my obedience, like Christ who “learned obedience through what he suffered” (Heb 5:8), I gain Christ – I gain the ability to know Christ. And with that comes the hope of the glorious inheritance for the saints (cf. Eph 1:17-19).

Instead of asking “why me?”, the question should be like what Powlison writes, “why not me?” (173). There is so much more to gain in suffering. If I longed to suffer greatly, the me inside, the curvitas in se, would fade away. The fear of suffering found in my being obedient would diminish. Is it really suffering to have a reason to cry out more to God? Is it a really a loss to rejoice and participate in suffering – to give a more of myself, to lavish grace on others, to be rejected, to have less things, to see pain and loss for good, to endure hard circumstances, to share my weaknesses and failures for the edification of others, to humble myself and confess my sin, to allow myself to be scrutinized – or am I actually receiving gain through my obedience in suffering? In those things and many more, I can cry out to God to carry me through, because I am weak – I am nothing without him. Moreover, in my participation and rejoicing in suffering, I find God, I realize my utter dependence on God, and I know him, and that is what I long for.

"If God loves us, why did he make bipolar?"

Struck tonight by a conversation with one of the girls that I work with. Let me give you a backdrop: I'm working at a residential rehab home that houses teen girls who have trauma, mental health instability, and have suffered severe abuse in previous living situations. Since I'm merely a residential assistant, my shifts are usually pretty mundane... but upon finding out one of the girls is decidedly Christian and desires to learn more about her faith, I make it priority to put this sweet soul to bed each night in order to have the opportunity to pray and talk about anything God-related - and this way we avoid the chagrin of other staff and residents.

The conversations are always awesome. i.e. She loves to remind me, "when I reincarnate, I want to be a cheetah". And when I remind her that Christians don't believe in reincarnation, she assures me that it's in the bible. And after looking it up, we decide that she's thinking of Jesus's resurrection. Which of course brings on a whole new topic and we get to talk about the gospel, God's love, being born again, how Jesus can be God and God's son at the same time, how there is no more crying in heaven, streets paved with gold, etc. Imagine accepting the gospel and having little to no discipleship, church, or fellow believers, all while knowing that you are a Christian. The simple conversations we have are always chock-full of sweet questions that I get the privilege of answering :)

One particular question comes up frequently... you know, the question of God's love when there is evil in the world. Of course these questions come in hypothetical format: "what about an 8 year old who was abused by someone? How does God love her?"; "if God is so good why doesn't he come down from heaven and stop the bad things right away?"; "If God loves us, why did he make people bipolar?"; "why does God allow bad people to live? I think they should all die forever!" and on and on and on. These questions stop me every time. I don't know what it's like to be molested by a family member, I don't know what it's like to be starved of food or beaten by your mother, I don't know what it's like to be locked in a room for days on end suffering verbal and emotional abuse, I don't know what it's like to be taken from your parents or to have never met them, I don't know what it's like to have your father die of drug overdose, I don't know what it's like to suffer from a severe mental disorder, I don't know what it's like to have an alcoholic parent who "professes" Jesus every Sunday (sidenote: not all of these scenarios are hers). And yet I sit there and tell her how much God loves her. Which is so so true!! But to have the role of sharing with her a loving God amidst a broken, evil world... to attempt to explain suffering when there isn't any black and white answer... I pray my words are driven by the Holy Spirit because Lord, I don't know how to answer questions that I don't fully understand. But I ask that you give her your Spirit of Understanding - that she would grasp how high and how deep and how wide your love is and rest in that truth. That her faith would rest in you and you alone. Keep your hand on her - show her your love, show her your goodness. Amen and Amen. 

Leaving in the rain makes the sweet goodbye's that much harder

It's raining and I'm about to leave Nicaragua. (In approx. 4 hours that is) What a day. What a day. The last couple days actually. I have been completely blown away and humbled at the same time. I have been here for 5 weeks. Many times questioning why I was here… what my purpose was… confused because I had no distinct role. I feel like most of what I was doing was just having a presence among the people. I had little words to say, not much work to do, I don't know -- I just felt that much of my time here was useless and that I was here because I had nothing else to do at home - better yet because I'm trying to avoid the job process for absolutely as long as possible.

But God had a few things to teach me. First off, I was a part of 3 different team trips which my parents led this summer (2 teams in Nicaragua and one with the jr. high at home). This meant that I had to do the same devotional book each day  with each team. Lucky for me, the theme of the book is Compassion - of which I have no compassion of my own to give. I'm a skeptic and I naturally believe that everyone should suck it up and just deal with their situations. Anyways, one of the root words for compassion means "to be with". God had compassion on us and he chose to be with us. And I was here in Nicaragua with these people, perhaps just to be with them. Just to have a presence among the people even if I didn't have much to say or to offer. Because I have a relationship with God, I carry his light wherever I go - and it's not me, it's him. 

[editor's note: fell asleep, returned to the states and added the rest of this post a month later]

The last week here, since the teams left and we didn't have any ministry arrangements, my sister and I planned to spend the entire week in the pool so that we could return to the states brown and lookin' good... God had other plans. I picked up the mentality of a 13-year-old and was ready to serve myself and go home. Fortunately my parents decided to pull us along as we visited some people last minute and we were able to experience blessing after blessing of which belongs to many more people than myself. Since we were the last ones left from the teams that came down this summer, we had the honor and the privilege of hearing personal testimonies, receiving thank you's, gifts, prayers, and God's blessing that were totally undeserved.

We rode bikes to two families home and were able to minister to the families while seeing God working in their situations. We rode to the dump and shared with a family who prayed over us. Then the workers at the dump joined hands and prayed for us (the first time someone has prayed out loud). Then the entire church came to our house to bring gifts beyond their income level, share how God is working among them, give us blessing as we go back, and pray for us. Then 4 young men ages 18-22 came over and washed our feet (slightly awkward) but absolutely amazing as these 4 young men are the face of the generation in this city and God is training them, ministering to their hearts, and building them up to be the ministers throughout Granada. As all this happened, I thought to myself, a missionary's mind set should be to serve and receive nothing in return. I didn't expect any of that. Nor did I really want that. Pride stabbed me again as I tried to reason with God why I shouldn't be the recipient for these people. 

But that's HOW GOD IS WORKING!!! I felt like Peter when Jesus bent down to wash his feet - "No Lord, don't wash me, I am here to serve you" - but God used his people to teach me and humble me. As Acts 20:35 says,

In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'

I got to be on the receiving end of a blessing that these people received by blessing us. And in that, I received so much more which I cannot keep to myself but must continue to spread to the world - laying myself down so that I am continually spreading the joy of God's presence among the people that they may experience the joy in finding Jesus who brings them back to fellowship with Him.

We said our goodbye's which seemed to go on for hours as the rain poured down that night. It rained - it poured - hard for ten hours straight. It usually doesn't rain for more than an hour at a time. What a special goodbye - to leave showered with blessing and rain as the people hugged and thanked and prayed and poured out their love on us. Completely backwards of anything I expected yet exactly what God wanted for all our sake and ultimately for his sake. To him be the glory for the great things he has done. 

And as Pastor Flores' wife always says, Amen y Amen y Amen. 

The Compelling Purpose of God

I've been struggling with understanding what my purpose is: here in Nicaragua, at home in PA, for my life in general. I've recently discovered the four temperaments founded in 4-500's BC and realized that I am the definition of a Phlegmatic. This means that I am one of those middle of the road kind of people with stable emotions that rarely go up or go down. Very few things make me excited and very few things make me sad. I strive for peace among people and want to settle any disputes between other people. This also means that I have very few goals, few passions, few opinions - basically I can be content with the way things are. I would rather have people decide for me and then just deal with what they choose (hence why I hate making decisions and why I tell people I would prefer an arranged marriage). Because I am easily contented and devoid of many passions I can be very lazy at times. I have great intentions but don't care if matters are not dealt with (as long as no one is upset).  I can start things but don't like to finish. (For example, this morning I cut the top off of a pineapple but then got bored of it and walked away and never finished) (or for the fact that I wrote half this blog and then finished it 2 days later)

Anyways, because passions and goals are extremely hard for me to have (I make them up to appease others who can't understand me), I often wonder what God's purpose is for my life. If only he would appear to me and speak in a loud booming voice with bright lights to let me know that my purpose is to blank blank blank I could deal with that. Yet I feel lost and without purpose because I cannot construct my own purpose and I don't know what God has for me. Nor can I easily follow my passions and what I am gifted at if I don't know what those gifts are…

But our Sovereign God has a much greater purpose than I ever know. Lucky for me, life doesn't happen by chance… and so this week in My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers, it is all about the compelling purpose of God. Guess what Bri… you don't need to "know" what your purpose is. You simply need to be in tune to what God has for you. You simply need to be in fellowship and oneness with him - living in obedience to him. 

… what seemed to be failure from man's standpoint was a triumph from God's standpoint, because God's purpose is never the same as man's purpose … What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated, because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires… If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are … A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm, relaxed pace which should e characteristic of the children of God ...

To my self: Since you are easily contented, perhaps you need to be content with simply being obedient to what God calls you to - even if it seems dumb - if it seems purposeless - if it's babysitting kids so that parents have the opportunity to hear the word of God - if it's pouring a glass of water for the person that drives you crazy - if it means staying back and letting other people have the opportunity to serve - if it means being tired but trudging through because that's what you are called to do. Do you actually believe that God knows what He desires and that he is fulfilling his own purposes in his own time? 

Humbled.

Church here is longer than I am used to. (no surprise) And today I was very much not looking forward to the Thursday Night midweek service. Not looking forward to the 10 song in a row worship to start out the service nor the message itself of what I understand not much. But Pastor happened to cut the message very short (and even commented on how he tends to keep it long which we don't always care for) and the last thing he commented on was about what it means to be humble. In Nicaragua, to be humble means to live in misery. If one is humble, it means he lives in a shack with a tough family situation... But he commented on our humility as rich Americans coming Nicaragua. I certainly live in a very proud nation and have grown up with the mentality that I'm 'proud to be an American'. While it isn't wrong to have national pride, pride is in my very nature. Humble?? I often think how overly proud we must look to these people and it is often my prayer that we do not come across as proud or arrogant. While I still have so much pride to rid myself of, I am thankful that God allows me to come with a spirit that they can see as humble - because it's not me that I want to give. It is simply the love of God manifested through Christ. The spirit of humility in the sense that we are simply obedient to our Lord and will serve wherever needed without a hesitation. That is my prayer. And how often I complain or show disobedience because I want to do what I want to do. 

You want to see humility? Watch the women here at this church who week after week cook meals for hundreds of children. Watch the members of the church meet together EVERY single morning at 5am to kneel before their Father on behalf of their church, the city of Granada, and the country of Nicaragua. Watch the worship pastor and his wife bike twice a week to a small town in order to help feed the children, teach a bible study and minister to the children. Watch the way they live at home and go about their daily tasks without complaining. Watch how the pastor regularly goes into the barrio to visit his hurting flock at their houses - those who need prayer within the church. 

The humble in spirit are not necessary those living miserly or those living in misery. The humble in spirit are those willing to serve the Lord in whatever capacity he asks without an ounce of pride in their heart. Gah, I have much to grow and much to learn. Much to be humbled by. Much pride to be destroyed. One day at a time.

Oh, and I highly recommend Humility by Andrew Murray. Knocked me down on my knees... 

Random thoughts of the day...

While doing my devotions today, the passage was about having compassion on people. Which I am often severely lacking. But compassion, which literally means 'being with those who are suffering' is exactly what Jesus was and what we are called to be. Anyways, at the same time, I was killing a bee that landed in my coffee by drowning him to death and enjoying the fact that he was suffering and couldn't get out the the sugary caffeinated mess. Then the Lord confirmed to me my lack of compassion.

It is clear God wants to do a huge work throughout the whole country of Nicaragua. Like my mom pointed out, perhaps God is choosing to work in this country because this is one of the few countries that doesn't condone abortion. They haven't begun to sacrifice their own children. My only remark is that is very clear the country cares for their children. Considering that fact that no orphanages are allowed to exist because "every child has a family" - there is no such thing as an "orphan" here (hence why there is year-long "schools" for children who never go home). And no more schools are allowed to open because the literacy rate is extremely high and every child is educated (even though many children are not allowed to go to school because they can't afford the required uniform). And every child here has excellent health care and dental care. Ok my sarcasm is too far. But perhaps my mom is right. Perhaps God really does want his spirit to move across this sweet country...

Ministering to little children is not my forte. But I know that is often the exact thing that the Lord is telling me to do. "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these" (Luke 18:16). How important it is to minister to them while they are young - while they are still so pure in heart, simple in thought, naive to the world - because it's those foundations that stand the test of time and sorrow and temptation. In front of El Puente, a mission base, is the dividing line for 3 separate gangs. There is often rock fights (for lack of knives and guns) that take place there. Just like the gangs in the U.S., when they turn 18 they can be initiated into the gang. Once a part of a gang, I don't want to say there is no coming back, but truly, very few will break their loyalty to a gang in order to follow the Lord. Minister to them while they are young. For the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.

Adventures from the back of dump truck.

I went to the city dump today. What a day. What a day. First, imagine 4 young white girls, my parents, another lady as dainty as Mary Poppins all following 3 young Nica guys through the city of Granada, particularly the market. We finally reached destination #1 - the bus station. Drenched in sweat, we hopped onto a 'chicken bus' meaning, a school bus with no maximum capacity seating. Motto: there is always room for more. We finally reach our destination and the ten of us squeeze past the big mamas to get off the bus. We then walk up a dirt road for a while. We pick up little kids. We walk a few more kilometers to reach the dump. We meet the people there who collect usable trash as a living. Upon leaving and walking the 5 kilometers back to the bus stop, our 3 Nica friends decide to tell us that the bus doesn't come after 12 on Saturdays. Therefore, we need to walk all the way back. My dad (having a bad foot) gets the grand idea to hitch a ride on an empty dump truck. He waves down the truck, we all hop in the back. We ride ten minutes back to the city of Granada. We get dropped off. 1/2 of our group hops into a taxi for the rest of the way home. Now it's me, my dad, and the three Nica guys. No taxis seem to be coming. But oh wait, an old horse and buggy are waiting. We hop on. Finally make it home. A van is waiting upon arrival. I change into my bathing suit and jump into the van. We then drive to Laguna de Apoyo for the rest of the afternoon and enjoy swimming in a large volcano/crater lake. The clincher, they were kidding about the bus not coming. The guys just wanted to see the girls ride the back of a dump truck. 'Twas a great day.

In all seriousness, during my visit to the dump, I encountered several families who live there as they can pick through the trash each day to collect recyclables for bare minimum pay. Ironically, it was one of the most beautiful sceneries I have seen in Nicaragua - the volcano and mountains to the right and Lake Nicaragua to the left. There was a nice breeze and the landscape was absolutely gorgeous - besides the acres and acres of garbage.

With the stench, the bugs, the dirt, I didn't care to spend more than 1/2 an hour there yet here is 30 or so people who have made this their life. Sadly, they believe they are here in bondage to this life because God punished them. And they can't figure out what they did to deserve this. Bottom line: because of humanity's sin, we all deserve a life of garbage - with added fire and brimstone. But until we understand the love of God, his grace, the salvation of the cross, we live in bondage to a lifestyle of basura (trash) - whether literal or figurative. Oh how I wish to convey to these people that they don't have to live this lifestyle nor do they have to live without Jesus Christ; there is freedom, and hope, and grace, and love beyond what we can fathom. I wish they knew how deep and wide and high and far the father's love is for them. And we who claim to understand it take it for granted. They believe they are bound to the dump. And how ironic the beautiful scenery that surrounds this place. It's like the love of God encompassing these people as He waits for them to simply raise their hands to receive.

This is a picture of the children at the dump. The large dump pile is in the background.

Learning to let go of expectations, learning what it is to be obedient. Being stretched before the supposed 'ministry' of the next 4 weeks has even started. Excited for the work that God has in store for his people in Nicaragua.

The Laguna/Volcano Crater where we swam today. BEAUTIFUL. And my first panorama ever :) 

Anyways, it's late here. The sun went down about 5 hours ago and I'm exhausted. I'm in my house, laying on a hammock looking up at the stars. Yes, I have much to be thankful for :)

Love, Bri